Ted and Robin argue about whether it is ok to keep stuff from ex-boyfriends or girlfriends.
[n] - noun, [v] - verb, [phv] - phrasal verb, [adj] - adjective, [exp] - expression
Robin: Damn, my face is so dry. Is there any moisturizer around here?
Ted: Yeah, there's some in the bathroom. Got to moisturize! Got to keep that pretty face moist.
Lily: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Barney: What's wrong with her?
Marshall: She hates that word.
Barney: What word, "moist"?
Lily: No! Seriously, stop!
Robin: So, anyway, Ted goes into the bathroom to get the moist... face lotion...
Robin: Wow, this is great stuff. Now I know the secret to your great complexion.
Ted: What are you talking about? It's yours.
Robin: No, it's not.
Ted: Oh, well... then I guess it's Lily's.
Lily: No, it's not.
Robin: Whose moisturizer is this, Ted?
Ted: Um, my sister's.
Robin: So, in other words, some girl you went out with.
Ted: Um... I love you.
Robin: Disgusting. You let me put on the same moisturizer as one of your exes?
Robin: Why is that still in your apartment?
Ted: I don't know. I just never threw it out.
Robin: Well, why not? Do you still have feelings for this girl?
Ted: Yeah. I'm madly in love with her, and the only way I can deal with it is by holding onto a three-dollar tube of lotion.
Robin: Not three dollars! Try fourteen!
Ted: Why is this such a big deal?
Robin: Because I don't want to use some whore's moisturizer!
Ted: Whoa, she wasn't a whore.
Robin: Well, she's leaving expensive lotions all over town. It sounds like a whore to me. What else do you have from old girlfriends just lying around?
Ted: Nothing. That's it. Well, except for the phone booth. And the lamp by the desk... and the...
Robin: No. No! No! Oh, Ted!
Lily: Ah, the age-old question: after you break up with someone, what do you do with the stuff?
Robin: Question? Ain't no question, girl. Obviously, he's got to get rid of it.
Ted: Which is obviously crazy and obviously, I'm not gonna do it.
Robin: So we agreed that we would let you guys decide.
Lily: All right, well, let's hear the arguments. Ted, you go first.
Ted: Okay. The fact that I still have things from ex-girlfriends is no big deal. I mean, when I see the phone booth on the piano, I don't think of Jeannie Radford, I think of the good times I had backpacking through Europe. And when I see the lamp, I don't think of Allison Moses. I remember when I was broke, just out of college, and I really needed a lamp. And when I see that throw pillow, I don't think of Lauren Stein. I think of that weird orange-brown stain and how it got there.
Marshall : Creamsicle and turkey gravy, not at the same time.
Robin: Well, that's adorable, but from now on, when I walk into the apartment, here is what I will see.
Ex 1: I'm Ted's college girlfriend. He made me 12 mix tapes. How many has he made you?
Ex 2: He calls you "sweetie pie"? He called me "sweetie pie."
Ex 3: I'm stupid, but my rack is bigger than yours.
Ted: Really? You can't look at a pillow without seeing my ex-girlfriend-- a pillow!
Robin: Yes, Ted, the fact that you still have that pillow is creepy and gross.
Ted: You're creepy and gross.
Robin: Your mom's creepy and gross.
Lily: Order! Order! I got to side with Robin. She's your girlfriend, and if the stuff upsets her, you got to get rid of it.
Marshal: I've got to side with Ted. Just 'cause you still have something an ex-girlfriend gave you doesn't mean you’re holding on to her.
Ted: All right, Barney. It all comes down to you.
Barney: I side with Robin.
Barney: Ted, your place is too cluttered. It's like you're living in a Bennigan's.